Self-Preservation from Bad Jewjew by Ben Pernick

I’m seeking a job, no luck, I’m going out of my mind
And my attempts with girls are like my credit cards, keep getting declined
But I’ve stumbled on a great solution that’ll help me get by
Because there’s a place that’ll pay me well, all I gotta do is unzip my fly

At the sperm bank, sperm bank
Donating will make me feel so good
At the sperm bank, sperm bank
A whole new way of making paper from wood

I can pass on my genes with no infant screams or child support
As long as I’m college educated, with no history of genital warts
Each woman browses detailed prices & resumes for every sample provider
I dip my denim pants in unfiltered apple juice
Because I want my genes inside her

At the sperm bank’s no place for shooting blanks
I’d have saved those used tissues if I knew I’d get paid
I’m a sperm banker, a professional wanker
I can be an alpha male without ever getting laid, ooh yeah

At the sperm bank, I’ll give it a firm spank
Only 10,000 hours til mastery
This turns my crank so I’ll affirm thanks
I swear I’ll give testimony once they give me teste money
Let’s do this!

The nurse led me to the masturbatorium
Handed me a cup then slammed the door
I should’nt have brought along my blacklight pen
I mean what were they thinking with a carpeted floor
Then I realized that if my seed impregnates multiple local mothers
There’s a chance my biological offspring could meet
And wind up boning each other

At the sperm bank, I learned some news that’s displeasing
The deal fell through, it got the bulldozer
Apparently my little sperms didn’t survive cryo-freezing
Now I’m not a rockstar donor, I’m just a cum-poser

• Alternative
• Comedy
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