Christmas Single from Mental Floss by Hattie Hatstar

Christmas SingkleChristmas Single

If I wrote a Christmas single
I could sit forever more
With my feet up
While the snow fell
Around my massive mansion door.
I wouldn't have to fix things,
I would never need a spanner
I could learn to dance in sparkly pants and be just like Rhianna.
All I need is business sense,
A massive deal with sony
Simon Cowell as my best friend
And teeth just like a pony.

If I wrote a Christmas single
I would be al-right forever
I wouldn't have to look for work
Or bother being clever,
I could be there in the lime light
Where vast fortunes can be made,
On every Christmas play-list
With Cliff Richard, Wham and Slade.
All I need is a hairstylist,
Someone to choose my clothes,
Someone to write my songs for me,
Some work done on my nose,
A hyperactive publicist to make my life look fun,
A life devoid of cake and beer so I don't weigh ten tonnes.

But it sounds awful,
It sounds drastic,
It sounds like a pile of shit
To have a whole life made of plastic
Just to get a Christmas hit
So I'll stay here on the breadline
Being skint as skint can be
You could make me slightly richer if you all bought my CD.
You could buy it for your Grandma,
You could buy it for your Mum,
Or download it from the internet
Because downloading is fun,
Playing Hattie Hatstar songs until your brain goes numb,
And I can spend the proceeds
On drugs and booze and buns.

• Alternative
• Comedy
• Punk
• accordion
• acoustic
• folk
• United Kingdom