barton common by katharine eastman
Well yes it has come to my attention that I ought to try a bit harder with my music - my Lazy Streak is no longer doing me the favour of making my music simple and delightful and minimal, instead it is just making it sound like I'm just going thru the motions. Which I always was, of course. But what other motions can I go through ? I think it's just that I've given up with everything. Not in a despairing way. Far from it. More in a liberating way. I think I noticed this with my reading habits - I haven't got to the end of a book for months. I get about forty pages in and I feel that I've done enough and I want to move on to something fresh. For a bookclub I'm "meant" to be reading The Tenant Of Wildfell Hall and so far I am about 30 pages into it and she's moved into the Hall and is living with her young son in a couple of rooms in the big dilapidated place and is making everyone in the villages gossip about her.
I think I've had enough of it. Like I thought I had enough of all the other books I got a tenth of the way into and then thought Yes, no more thank you. It's the same with the people I meet - a few sentences with passing strangers is all you ever need. Imagine me being fool enough to get married again. Well actually I really could.
But we'd have to live in separate places and only meet about three times per week and though I am as horny and virile now as I've ever been, I am one of those weirdoes who's always had better orgasms alone, who'd rather walk long distances alone, who'd rather drive alone, who needs my own choice of music, who needs to keep my own very odd hours, who can't bear to be in a house with a TV on, who loves pets/animals but who wouldn't want any in my life anymore, who never enjoys other people's cooking, who's almost never interested in any long tales that people tell me, who can never be persuaded to change my taste in music to accommodate other people's love of crap, whose first instinct on getting an invite to anything is to say No, who loves this life so much because every morning I wake up and there is nothing that I HAVE to do but there are a few nice things I could do if I wanted - I am very old, six foot tall, very fit, financially okay, grumpy, quite rude (apparently), intelligent, reliable, house-trained and "normal"/sane though prone to twelve-day benders, atheist, politically all over the place, not interested in anything, can't find an App that would be a good way to find someone appealing to me and to whom I might appeal in return - it doesn't help that I don't have a smartphone and hate technology and the whole modern world, so I'm not crazy enough to think that I am anyone's idea of a "catch" except that I am.
Barton Common on Tuesday
