swimming lessons by Laryssa Birdseye

Swimming Lessons

I’m nothing if not a strong swimmer
I was 6 when I learned I would die
You threw me into the deep end that summer
I didn’t sink, you were proud i survived

God I’m not angry anymore
You were just doing your best
Still don’t what all the fighting was for
But it doesn’t hurt less

I can’t be who you want me to
(And I can’t be sorry)
I see so much of myself in you
(And it’s terrifying )
Cuz you wanted sons
Ended up with a daughter
Taught me to be tough
Never weak like your father
And I never cried even when i was shattering bones

16 I’m crushing up lines in my room
I was so good at hiding
You fell asleep, I was waiting on you
I was barely surviving
A Bible, a paper weight, opening heaven’s gate
I’m so creative, I got that from you
100 pounds soaking wet
Throwing up water
Would’ve ripped out my ribs
If it meant being smaller
Hoping you’d notice
Hoping you’d know what to do

God I’m not sorry anymore
I was just doing my best
Hope you know what all that fighting was for
I’m sure it doesn’t hurt less

I can’t be who you want me to
(And I can’t be sorry)
I see so much of myself in you
(And it’s terrifying)
Cuz you wanted sons, ended up with a daughter
Taught me to be tough, never weak like your father
And maybe that’s life and it’s fine but I hope it’s not true
I think I’m just like you

All of your anger and all of your shame
All of your grief and and your loss and your pain
It’s the line drawn between us
The blood on your face
When I punched you that August
And cursed you by name
And I can’t show I’m weak even when I’m afraid
Im a good little soldier, I’m such a head case
I don’t know how to love you
When you’re never wrong
And I hate that you made me hate me for so long

God I’m not angry anymore
We’ve both been doing our best
It doesn’t make it easier
Loving you doesn’t hurt less

You can’t be who i want you to
(And I know you’re sorry)
I see so much of myself in you
(And it’s terrifying )
Cuz you wanted sons
Ended up with your daughter
Taught me to be tough
Now I’m weak like my father
Maybe that’s family
Maybe it’s the best we can do
I think I’m just like you
I think I’m just like you
I think I’m just like you

• Acoustic
• Pop
• indie pop
• pop rock
• singer-songwriter
• Portland