lepe by Simon Aulman
In a recent posting (6 Sept) on Radio Free Midwich blog ( radiofreemidwich.wordpress.com ) Rob H talks about the latest developments in the hopefully-winning conquest of his depression. He's mentioned it often and there is no disparagement intended when I say that these discussions are often the most interesting parts of his blog - it's just that when you get to my age you tend to feel that you've read everything about music that can possibly be written and that it is nice when it comes in some larger context. After he's spoken of his latest news he writes this to explain why he's mentioned it -
"it is because this is all personal – the circumstances of our lives affect the art we make and the way we respond to the art of others. The way radiofreemidwich expresses this is, I think, one of its great strengths. In fact, to play down the essentially subjective nature of what we are all up to is to misunderstand its purpose. This point-missing is what makes the pseudo-objective, hackademic, would-be-journal-of-record writing you might find in, say, The Wire so joyless and unreadable. In a nutshell: what we are doing is how we are doing and vice versa."
I very strongly agree. I'd go further. I'd say that the Why and the Where and even the usually-fairly-dull How are increasingly more interesting than any of the actual music itself. Sonja Berlin Jones, my previous alter-ego, is still more popular than my real still-alive self - this Simon Aulman BC page gets a very juddery nought-to-sixty visits per day. Only eleven plays yesterday, forty for the whole week - yes mainly red, though more yellow than I'd expect given the length of my pieces and their unremitting tedium - and even, astonishingly, some green splats. Fortunately, virtually no downloads.
So why does even one person come ? I'm not a cult, I'm not cool, there's no cachet to be had in dropping my name anywhere, I don't even have enough of an audience to qualify for membership of the No Audience Underground scene. And it's not as though I put myself about, apart from a nervous shy quickie on Twitter each time something new gets done. I have no talent.
I don't like talented people - they are dull and have merely obediently learnt the rules - I have never bought an Eric Clapton album. I like to think people visit because they love to gaze at that handsome mugshot of me. But it can only really be because of the ranting and raving that sometimes appear here. The ranting and raving is obviously usually done at pretty much the same time and in the same mood as the music. And, no matter how awful, it is usually a lot better than the music. But I'd say that applies to everyone - famous or obscure, good or awful.
A while ago while aimlessly wandering around Bandcamp I bumped into a brilliant folky EP by Renny Jackson. I saw on his BC page that he had a gig coming up in Farnham. I did five seconds research and noted that he had about 650 Facebook thingies and wondered if I'd need to book tickets - often a problem as I don't have a smart/i phone. I just hoped for the best. So last Sunday night I drove to a very nice pub in the middle of Farnham and sat in the corner while Renny played for about two hours. He was brilliant.
I was the only person who had come to see him. I was the audience. Yes there were others over in the other half of the pub, talking and drinking and reading newspapers. I've been to a few gigs where I've been half the audience. But this is one of the very few gigs where I was theee audience - sitting in a public place and having the musician directing his full attention at me me me oh wonderful ME. Being personally serenaded. For 2 hours. There was an interval and Renny and I chatted for a long time and of course whenever 2 musos get together the talk inevitably turns to BC.
I admitted that having to pay to allow people to download my music for free was almost never a problem. I admitted that I was prolific but this was because I have no quality control. I couldn't bear to. At least I never get upset about not being world famous. Renny is a delightful man and he and I became friends for life. That's 2 lifelong friends I've made in less than a week. If only women were as easy.
It would be too unendurable if I ever actually did something that was good - because with my personality I'd get all bitter about how no one was playing it on the radio and how I wasn't being sucked off by groupies. I couldn't bear to be talented. But I would be disturbed if absolutely no one ever visited my BC site. So I do the only thing I can do - write. Nothing like as well and wonderfully as I did when I was young - but I was a brilliant drunk back then and now I am a sober dull burnt out old git with nothing really to say.
Except that right now I'm going off the rails a bit, feeling feelings I never thought I'd feel, I've no idea if I'm massively depressed or massively high - either way, it's wonderful. Lately I've written weird shit which I shouldn't've written, it's losing me friendships I hate losing - but the lust to flirt with disaster - it's one of the few ways to feel alive. A few years ago I predicted that one day musicians would have to pay people to hear/download their music - what with the fact that there are now more musos than fans. We aren't there yet. But we're getting there.
It took about 3 minutes to make this music, it took about an hour to write this shit - one day BC will be a bloggy-wordy site with occasional forays into music. Except that no one wants to read stuff, any more than they want to hear new music. So we'll just have to put more of our souls online .... until one day everything's there - and then we realise we have to remove the computer and get out there and actually be in person all of the things we're trying to seem like on the screens.
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