Puppetmaster (Single) by Tiny Crash

This song was originally produced in 2013, and about halfway through 2015 I wrote lyrics and screamed over it. I kept the rough demo vocals and just tried to clean them up a bit. It is inspired by one of the most vile and disgusting people I ever had the misfortune of looking up to, and serves as a cautionary tale to be careful who you admire. I’ve seen a lot of artists over the years emulate not only their idols sounds, but real life every day behaviors that are toxic as well. It feels important to speak up about my experience and hopefully help someone one day realize what is going on and remove themselves from a toxic situation.

I found myself normalizing a lot of not normal behavior having grown up listening to classic and punk rock and looking up to people who ended up being truly disgusting, terrible people in the end, and finding electronic music at first felt like an escape from the oppressive nature of the sweaty denim covered cis/het white male scumbags who mentally can’t get out of the 80s/90s. Over time though I came to resent a lot of the music and artists I looked up to growing up, even in electronic music.

As a teenager, I was unfortunately in contact with an artist who took advantage of my naivety and admiration and after years of giving me some of the worst advice I’d ever hear, a truth I suspected and feared was realized and I never experienced such a full spiritual recoil. I then had to step back and reassess everyone I ever knew aside from my family and some real friends that stuck by me through it all. Not only did this person manipulate and gaslight me, but even went so far as to stop me from enjoying certain other musical acts in the scene by spewing misogynistic bullshit to deter me from enjoying their music.

I had to reassess so many aspects of myself and my music, and I’m very proud of myself for still putting any music out for the world. I lost so much faith seeing an entire industry/scene let down someone who inspired me to start believing in myself enough to put my own music out. Its difficult still sometimes, finding myself questioning if I really want to be a part of an industry or scene that looks past so many horrible things and still enables so many abusers. Unfortunately I just have to be extra cautionary now, and navigating with sensitivity and trust issues is not easy or fun in a field where social connections are vital. It’s been very difficult navigating other artists communities, having trouble opening up about anything that happened (especially to someone who has no context on what occurred) and shutting myself out from opportunities for connection. Isolation is safer but safety doesn’t always constitute or facilitate healing though, either.

Unlearning so much really gave me so much room for growth though and finally feeling sure of myself and my music again is an unparalleled feeling. Striving to be a musician my younger self could truly look up to has been so enjoyable and I hope to continue on the healthier and happier path I’ve made for myself. Having been meticulously going through my older material lately, it feels like this track is finally ready for it’s time to be heard. I carried this close to my heart for a long time and it really means so much to me. I’m glad to have this out finally so I can let go of it all and move on, too. Thank you for believing in me and my project, and I hope we will all continue to hold each other accountable. “Abusers are losers, okay?”

musician + DJ
NJ

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